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My Testimony

 
Well,  as in all stories, and testimonies.. I guess it’s best to start at the beginning.  I grew up the oldest of three children.  My father, when I was very young, was a Minister.  He never had his own church, and I can’t ever remember him giving a sermon at a church.  Though I was very young when he gave up the ministry, and began working in other fields. 

I remember in my early Childhood, going to church, and believing in God, was never an option.  It was who our family was.  My parent’s closest friends, and Godly Parents, really.  Were a pastoral couple that took my parents in when they first left bible school.  To this day, they are know as “Grandma Grace, and Grandpa Mel” by our family.  

 I can remember the day I gave my heart to Jesus.  I can remember sitting in pew on a Sunday morning, and asking Grandma Grace, “What does communion mean?  Why do we do it?”  That was the first time I truly understood the love of God.  At that point, when she explained it, I finally understood.  I finally felt the love that God had for me.  I sat in the pew and cried and cried throughout communion, as I took part for the first time, as a true grateful recipient of God’s grace.  My parents took me to Christian activities for the kids, and one year, even allowed me to go to a bible camp during a summer vacation.

 Then things changed.  I can remember my father having to take a job that made him work over-night.  We had moved to a town that was farther from our church, and because of it, my mother just didn’t want to drive all they way to church herself.  For quite a while, church became less of a priority.  It really wasn’t until several years later, when our family moved to Florida, that Church, or God became a priority for our family again.

 In Florida, I found myself a young teen.  At first, I floundered with my Christianity, but then I began to make Christian friends at church.  I grew attached to the activities at the church, and as my faith grew, I found myself on-fire for the Lord.  At 16, I had completed all of the requirements for Royal Rangers (Christian Boy Scouts) to the highest level, and wanted more.  I became a Jr. Leader, and began helping with the 5-6 year old children.  Teaching them about God, and helping them.  By the time I was 18, I was the leader of the Group, and the rest of the staff felt comfortable with me in charge. 

 Also during this time, I met a girl at school.  She had been my friend, and after a while, I started thinking about her as more than a friend.  We started “going-out” (teen age commitment) in February 1991.  I wasn’t sure how or if it was going to last, but I was young.  If it didn’t, I could find someone else.  We became very close, and we were both dedicated Christians.  She and her friend, while I was working with the Boys club at church, were working with the Girls club and the same aged children.   We went to Bible studies at school, and our youth group really had God as it’s focus. 

 Unfortunately, while I was growing closer to God, and working to share his love with children, and my youth group.  My family was having problems.  My family left the church.  My youngest brother never came back, and my sister stayed with the church until her Senior year in high school. 

 At that point, I was going to a local Community College with my High school sweetheart, but still living with my parents.  One day, my family exploded.  My family hadn’t been in church for months, and there was hostility between my parents and my sister, and I.  When the day ended, I had left my home, and I have never moved back in since. 

 A lot of Pain came from that day.  The most came when I realized that my sister had gone back to them.  I felt as though we had committed a coup.  We had escaped, and she went back, and claimed I was in the wrong for staying away.  I became very angry with my parents, my sister, and God. 

 So much pain came from that day, and I didn’t forgive, and I let it eat at me.  Slowly, I started to attend church less.  I gave up my Boys Club.  I claimed I was too busy.  I had College during the day, and I was working 40-50 hours a week.  I moved into my girlfriend’s parents’ house.  They were a wonderful couple who showed me the love of God, and comfort that I didn’t deserve. 

 After a year or so, we both Graduated from College with our degrees, and Carla agreed to marry me.  We were married in the same church we had both attended during our teens, but that I had not attended regularly in while.  Our first year of marriage was fabulous.  We were still deeply in love, and when Carla became pregnant it both excited me, and made me nervous to be a father.  The only problem though, was that I had begun to tear her from church too.  I felt uncomfortable there, and I didn’t want her to go there.  “If she truly loved me she’d stay with me.  Right?” 

 I tried to live a good life.  I knew what was right, and what was wrong.  I just didn’t want to be near the “Goody–two-shoes Christians” who were still at church.  It made me uncomfortable.  Slowly, I started to do more and more things that were “Gray”  I started using the “Gray” swear words at work.  Then I started swearing more because it made me fit in.  I started doing more and more of what other people were doing.  Things that seemed exciting to me.  Things that were forbidden by my parents, and they never really said why.  They weren’t there.. so I decided to try.  The more I tried.. the more I wanted to try. 

 My family began to have problems.  My wife, realized she was missing God.  She missed her friends, and she missed her relationship with God.  She stated going to church again, and begging me to join her.  I would make excuses to not attend, and purposely schedule work or other activities for church times. 

 Finally we became two people living in the same house, but with completely different friends.  We would behave as strangers in the same house.  We both felt the other didn’t love us.  If they did, they would do what we were doing.  Right? 

 Finally, I became so tired of feeling unloved… Of thinking that my wife didn’t love me, that I gave up on my family.  I didn’t care any more, and I started looking for people who would accept me for who I was.  My ‘friends’ encouraged me.  They told me that she was in the wrong.  That she and her “God stuff” wasn’t fair.  She should accept me for who I was, and not try to change me.  That is what I wanted to hear, so I drew closer to them.   

 It was at this time, that my wife prayed the hardest for me.  As I was flaunting with the ideas of seeking love from others, she was on her knees praying for me.  She knew she couldn’t reach me.  That I had become calloused to her pleadings, and she knew the only person who was going to reach me was God.  Her friends were also praying that I would find a Christian friend.  That if I had a Christian friend, then maybe I would have someone to encourage me to turn my life around. 

 Then one night.. the one thing I least expected happened.  My best friend.. who I really hadn’t spent much time with lately, because I was with my other ‘friends’ called.  His next questions took my breath away.  I remember them being something like, “You’re a Christian right?  You don’t know this about me, but I used to be.  Well, I know now, that I need God, can you help me?” 

 Well.. I had worked with kids when I was a teen.. I KNEW how.. but I didn’t FEEL it.  I walked him through asking Jesus back into his life, with my wife on the phone.  She was the Christian, she should be doing this, so I let her talk to him. 

 Well the very next Sunday.  I found myself in Church.  Not because I wanted to be there, but because Ron didn’t want to be alone.  I sang along, and did what I was supposed to, and many people were acting glad to see me, and Ron.  I even remember Pastor greeting Ron, and telling him, I know Ken will help you make it back.   I remember thinking, “Yeah, sure I will,” with all of the sarcasm I thought probably showed on my face. 

 Then my wife found out about a Promise Keeper’s Rally near us.  She new better than to tell me, so she suggested it to Ron, who of course grabbed ahold of the Idea with both hands.  Of course he didn’t want to go alone.. so I found myself riding with him on a Friday afternoon.  That Night, I found myself standing beside Ron, who felt he needed to be at the alter again.  He was praying for God to come back into his life again.  I felt very uncomfortable, but I knew the reason everyone wanted me to be there.  They expected me to find God again here.  I was made of strong stuff.  I was prideful, and stubborn, and I was NOT going to let them win. 

 After the Second speaker, Ron found himself at the Alter again.. only this time.. he was standing beside me.  I was on my knees crying out for God.  What I thought was strength, was only fear.  Fear of my sins.  Wondering what people would think of me.  Not sure if people would forgive me for all of the pain I caused.  Finally though, God won out.  He told me that day, that If I would only turn it back over to him, he would bring me though.  He never said it would be easy, but he said he’s stand with me. 

 That night, Ron and I spent more than half the night talking.  Sharing our shame, and opening our lives bare to each other.  It was very humbling.  To know that I was telling someone, the most horrible, terrible, disgusting parts of my life.  The things I was most ashamed of.  We laid them all out, and grew closer together then we had ever been. 

 At the conclusion of the weekend though, came the hardest part.  I had to go home, and talk to my wife.  I had concealed so much from her.  She knew we had grown apart, but she didn’t know how far.   I had strayed and that the only thing that had truly stopped me from going further, had been her prayers.   

 Then she did the one thing I wasn’t sure she would be able to do.  I thought when she found out how horrible of a person I had been.  That I had deceived her as to why I wasn’t at church…  How much I had lied to her, so many times…  I honestly thought she’d leave me right then and there. 

 I remember her taking my head, as I cried… as we both had tears streaming down our faces, and asking me.  Are you telling me the truth now?  Do you really want me to forgive you, and are you really repentant for what you have done?  And when my “yes” came out though choked cries and tears,  She forgave me. 

 It wasn’t easy for her, and it took months for her to fully forgive me.  It took me longer to fully regain her trust.  I had broken our relationship, but God was the center of our lives now, he kept us both together. 

 Now I find myself more in love with her than I ever thought I could.  I find myself loving her not only for myself, but with the love that God loves her with too.  I see her preciousness not only from my own perspective, but with the new view God has given me as to how he sees her. 

 With God’s help, I have even begun rebuilding relationships with my family. 

 The most important part though, is my desire to grow closer to God every day.  As I have on my opening page.  My personal Prayer is Psalms 51.  Especially verses 3 “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.”  I never forget how horrible of a person I once was, but only to remind me of how much more beautiful God is for forgiving me for them. 

 I guess, the only way to end this is to say.  

 I know I am not perfect, and my past is something I am completely ashamed of. 

 BUT 

I am now forgiven, I am now a Child of God.  My sins are forgiven.  The only things that matter, are leading my family for God, and Standing4Him.